These Money-Saving Secrets are Too Much for You to Handle

Besides this one, every other money-saving article is bunk. 

Chances are, you’re not broke because you don’t brown-bag your lunch every day or “not get an eight-dollar latte” every morning. Nor are you left wondering “where did all the money go?” simply because you pay for cable, had overdraft fees, or didn’t use ceiling fans instead of AC. Saving small change won’t change bigger realities of financial peril (or minor inconvenience).

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“Look at all the money I saved this week just by cutting out my trips to Chipotle!”


The real money-saving secrets are hard, face-smacking truths that no one is going to bother telling you. Until now:

Get a better job that pays you more

Wait, what, this isn’t a money saving secret?!

No, it’s not, just like a slab of concrete isn’t a house. It’s the foundation. If you don’t have money to save to begin with, you’re not just behind the 8-ball — you’re not even at the billiards table.

If you’ve been sticking with a job that’s paying out $12/hr after ten years, there is no money-saving jiujutsu that will make your financial life any better.

Stop getting sick

*fans flames of hot take*

Unless you live in a socialist utopia, you may have discovered that here in God’s Country healthcare ain’t cheap. Americans spend quite a bit per person on average for healthcare — in fact, it’s OVER $9000 per year.

I’m a critic, not a doctor — so I can’t recommend tips on “not getting sick” (due to potential malpractice lawsuits) other than ‘eat healthy,’ ‘limit exposure,’ ‘improve your genes,’ ‘don’t go near sick people,’ basic stuff like that. You can’t afford to be sick. So don’t be.

Don’t have children you can’t afford

[*SHOTS FIRED*]

Not to worry folks, that’s just the sound of entering the “Keeping it 100” Zone.

Speaking of 100s, take a look at the numbers. I don’t know how else to break it: children are not cheap. They eat money (and lots of other things). They don’t “live economically” until they’re 28. They get sick, even when you tell them not to.

We’re all grown-ups here, so you know that kids don’t just happen. Again, I’m a blogger, not a doctor — there’s no stork that just drops babies on you. Those bundles of love are products of choice: relationships, liaisons, affairs, marriages — choose wisely.


Then again, kids are awfully cute. It’s not like my new Jaeger LeCoultre Master Grande Tradition Tourbillon Cylindrique Quantieme Perpetual will ever smile back at me.

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